FREAK: Raising A Son With Special Needs

The hit television series Parenthood is a staple for parents with children with Special Needs. Max, one of the stars of the show, has Aspergers and does a fine good job of persuading us that he truly is on the Spectrum. Max's struggles and his parents mimic our lives as they portray their real-to-life sorrows, struggles, and victories.

Last week, Max fell apart on a Middle School overnight class trip. We watched as his Mother debated whether or not to chaperone the trip. Max requested she not attend.  Christina and Adam, Max's parents, in the end decided to take a leap of faith and allow Max to go alone. It was a perfect storm.

In the end, Max had to be picked up from the trip early. He inexplicably snapped and had a tantrum that his empathetic teacher could not rescue him from. On the way home, in the car, Max, in uncharacteristic eloquence, spoke about what happened. He told his parents he was a FREAK, as the other kids call him that, treat him like one, and have convinced him that he is one. Christina of course, as all mothers, would not accept this message. In the final scene, as the television viewer, Special Needs parent or not, is wiping their unending tears away, Max told his Mom that he knows he is a FREAK, no matter what she tells him.

And then the hour long episode was over. It left me feeling vulnerable, sad, beaten, hopeless. But luckily Parenthood is just a TV show. In real life Max does not have Aspergers. In real life, I just turned off the TV and moved on.

But then I was driving in the car with Willie the next day. Out of the blue, he said, "I am a FREAK." For a minute I caught my breathe as it didn't seem possible that he was echoing the exact words Max had used in Parenthood the day before. But I, as Christina had before me, told Willie that of course he wasn't  a FREAK. And his next sentence floored me as it was a direct quote from Max. "No, I know I am a FREAK." And I was speechless.

For at that moment, I could not reach Willie. His sense of self included that FREAK word, no matter what I said or did. For he is his own person. He thinks about himself based on his life experiences. And he is smart enough to know how different he is. Like Max, he notices when others laugh at him, stare at him, snicker behind his back. Those experiences shape him. No matter what I say, I cannot deny Willie his feelings, his interactions in the world, his interpretations of himself. Sure I have helped to create a world where Willie can be and is his best self. Sure, I have helped him to feel successful both academically, vocationally, and socially. But in the end, Willie is Willie and I am I. We are separate. And just as Christina could not protect Max, neither can I.