It's Normal: Raising A Son With Special Needs

My two oldest boys (18 & 21) are three years apart and in some ways mirror reflections of the Developmental Tasks of young adulthood. They both have to hate me and my husband in order to become independent and truly grow up. It just stinks and hurts so bad.

But of course there is a "Willie twist" on this idea. It would just be so easy to blame Willie's nastiness on his Special Needs. I LOVE to blame most things on Willie's Special Needs. The rude comments, the negativity, and the rebellious nature are especially harrowing from a 21 year old boy-man with limited cognitive reasoning skills and a lightening quick propensity to anger. Going to sleep at night can turn into a major meltdown, is a constant stressor, and sometimes doesn't happen until he's ready. (Even if the clock says 6 AM!) I want to attribute this is all to Willie's Special Needs. This is my fallback position on the hardships of raising Willie.

But then his younger brother is in the other room displaying all the same type of behaviors. Sure, he can self-regulate better and doesn't have meltdowns. But that doesn't stop him from storming away from the dinner table when I ask too many questions. (Who knew 2 was too many?) Sure he does go to sleep at night. But that doesn't stop him from coming home at any hour he pleases and not waking me up. And I know in my heart these behaviors are normal and necessary.

So in the end I am grateful for this other son, who is so different from Willie. This boy-man who goes to college and thrives. This person who holds a steady summer job. This boy-man who has deep, meaningful relationships. All of these accomplishments are so divergent from Willie. But I see his icky behaviors at home as a necessary step in making him successful in college, work, and connections. And then I see that Willie, although not as successful at these relationships of work and love, yearns for all the same things. I know (and am relieved by this knowledge) that some of Willie's despicable behaviors are just a normal boy-man's attempt to grow up.

And for that insight I am grateful to my second son. Because it's just too easy to blame all the hardships from Willie on his Special Needs. Thank you dear son for you have lifted some of my burden unknowingly. Now hurry up and turn nice!

Willie=Litmus Test for Human Connection: Raising A Son With Special Needs

This is Willie: the inspiration for this Blog.  I know I am partial, but look at that face.  Doesn't  he just inspire goodness? Maybe you just have to spend time with him to actually "get it." He is just so friendly. Willie never met a person he didn't want to talk with. He exudes friendliness, openness,  and connection.

I had the opportunity to travel alone with Willie this past weekend. Never have I had this chance, as we have a large family. And frankly, I am afraid to take Willie out in public alone.  I never know what will set him off and how bad his meltdown will be.  I have avoided this scenario for many, many years. This weekend was an opportunity I didn't choose but decided to risk, for there was no other option.  And guess what? It was the best 24 hours I have ever spent with my Willie alone, ever!

What I noticed as we traveled from Massachusetts to New York was Willie's zest for connection to others. Everywhere we went he had something to say to whomever was there.  His comments, an attempt to build a friendship of sorts, were not inappropriate. Sure, they were unusual from such a young man this age, but they were mostly "on topic" and meant to forge a commonality.

And I saw something I never noticed before. Willie was able to capture the attention and friendliness from most people he ran into. It is true he would continue talking even after the initial conversation was over. Willie was attempting to re-connect, so to speak.  By then, most people  had walked away. But it was awesome to see most others either smile or respond back to Willie's initial comments.

So I decided that Willie is a litmus test for "Human Connection." And the good news is most humans will connect with Willie, if only briefly. It warmed my soul to observe this. I am so lucky to be the Mother of such a friendly guy. Someone who truly touches others just by being himself. This is Willie.

                *Dedicated to Tamara Sheen, for teaching me how truly wonderful our Willie is.*

To The Man At The Hampton Inn: Raising A Son With Special Needs

I have been thinking about you all day. You are haunting me. Your conversation with me and my Willie was more powerful then you will ever know. You have gotten under my skin. I don't know why you said it. I keep wondering about your motive. Regardless, you did damage today at that Breakfast Buffet.  You snuck into my fragile son's mind and made him feel like a freak. You will never understand how impossible that is to undo. You just should have kept your mouth shut!

Here's the part I cannot understand: Why did you say anything at all to my Willie?  You are about 25 years old, in town and in that hotel, for a wedding. I know you had to have grown up in school around people with Special Needs. Sure at first glance, Willie, standing about 5' 11" dressed in yellow plaid shorts with a light blue tank top, helping himself to food at the Breakfast Buffet, may have appeared to be your peer. But if you had looked carefully, you would have seen the other plates he had already filled with food. You would have seen his hands trembling as they do, either from his cocktail of meds or the Brain Damage itself. If you had really been paying attention, you would have seen me and him whisper fighting about the amount of food he was shoveling onto his 3 plates.

But why did you approach Willie in that rather aggressive posture you took and rudely ask: "Did you just put that French Toast back?" What was your point, as you obviously saw him do that. And then when he said "yes," for he doesn't lie, why did you say "That is wrong." Are you the French Toast Police? Do you suffer from such bad "Germaphobia" that you needed to lash out at my Willie.  Don't you think that if he was a typical 21 year old eating breakfast in the hotel lobby, as you assumed, he would have known that it is wrong to put food back from the buffet? So why did you ask him?

And it just kept getting better. For I lashed out at you. I told you that Willie has Special Needs and was on the verge of a Meltdown. A potential doozy. I truly can't remember what else I said as you really rocked my world. And you never apologized. In fact, it took you too long to walk away, as if you wanted to argue with me. Or worse, him.

Then you ate your breakfast at the next table for over 20 minutes while Willie crumbled. You had to have seen him. You had to have heard us talking and talking and talking all about you for the whole time you just sat there. You had to have heard him say, "I guess I just don't belong in hotels!" But you did nothing. Said nothing.

And what I know you didn't hear or see was the recurring conversation that lasted throughout the day about you. How I had to tell Willie over and over again that you just were not a nice person. That we both had to "let you go." And I know you didn't see me cry after I dropped Willie off at camp, which is by the way, where I was taking him that day. The tears I rarely let fall just kept coming and coming. You helped me shed them.

And you certainly have no idea how your 2 sentences this morning to Willie are embedded in his self now forever. For his memory is as sharp as a tack. And lately, as Willie is maturing, he is thoughtfully and constantly wondering why he has to have Special Needs. And we work so hard to help Willie see his strengths and gifts despite the Special Needs. But then someone like you comes along...