And I thought I was over all that comparing, that dreadful loss that comes to haunt you right in your face, time and time again. The pain that is your child with a disability. That shines a headlamp right in the face of all that he is not and can never be. Hasn't Willie aged out of this phenomena yet: after all he is 22 years old! I can recount so many times, when I saw his peers master cursive, win an award, go to prom, and other such typical milestones. I can remember how it felt to know Willie would never get these experiences. A guttural loss. A sorrow unspoken. That self-deprecation because shouldn't you just be happy with how well he was doing? Stop complaining and accept and celebrate his strengths. And by golly, I thought I was done with this.
Yet there I was, browsing through Facebook, and that old friend sorrow found me. Took my breath away. Made me feel as guilty as ever. For I love my friend and her lovely daughter, Carly, Willie's first best friend. I am proud of Carly for thriving at 4 years of college. I am impressed with her for she is about to graduate with a BA from a small liberal arts college. She has a bright future with countless opportunities open to her. I am just plain happy for Carly. Except it hurts. For this was supposed to be Willie too. This is the year he too was to graduate from college. Land a job. Start his adult life. Except he got Bacterial Meningitis and it wiped out the part of his brain that could ever go to college. And I live with that knowledge every day and mostly I am fine. For Willie is an adult now. He lives and thrives in a community of his own. He has other milestones he reaches.
So why do I feel so sad? Go away old friend sorrow. Leave me alone and let me be.
