Ambivalence: Raising A Son With Special Needs

Willie just left yet again. He was home with us for 14 out of the last 18 nights. It is a similar cycle every time we do it. The yearning for him to go. The desire to get your regular life back. The multiple burdens that are uniquely Willie, lifted.  And then he goes. The ambivalence sets in immediately.

Is he OK? How does he like his new bedroom? How hard was it to get him to take that shower? How bad was his mood when it was time to get up at 8 AM, as opposed to no schedule at all? The dread that he is coming home again for the holidays. The yearning when you watch the special needs adult working out at the Y.  The wondering if he is at his local Y doing the same? The relief that you don't need to provide those 3 gourmet and hearty meals for him every single day. You can unhide the candy jar. You can finally attend to your 13 year old's need to have more of your attention. You scour his bedroom. You get it ready for the next time. The dog is just so sad that Willie is gone. And you tell her, he will be back soon, with joy in your heart. The mixed emotions are overwhelming.

 I am left with the image of my 24 year old boy-man, becoming more and more disabled as he ages, while simultaneously becoming more and more independent. Perhaps I am full of ambivalence because that is what Willie is as well.  And as my husband says, it is much harder for him. It must be. Poor guy.

Willie trumps All: Raising A Son With Special Needs

Our sweet Willie is in trouble. He crossed that invisible line. He has now harmed another individual. He has a new history: one marred with violence. Sure, there was no real harm done. No hospitalizations. No charges pressed. But it is a scary new world we have entered in with him. One with real possibilities of very dire scenarios one only has nightmares about. And of course it doesn't matter that the other individual he pushed was pressing his buttons, even bullying him.  And it doesn't even count that Willie has Neurological Disabilities. The shove, the charge, the head-butt, the offense, that is all that really matters now.

My friend explained it perfectly when she said: Things are different now. Much more serious. For although there is a low probability of such violence against others in the future, the consequences are quite high.

So our life comes to a halt. Everything else is pushed aside. The Early Decision College Application due tomorrow. The sick 13 year old who stayed home from school today. The relative's Hip Replacement Surgery. The jobs. The regular "everydayness" that is oh so sweet. Except when it is smashed to bits with this new living nightmare.

Willie has trumped us all, as he has done for the past 24 years. And unfortunately, as he celebrates his Birthday today, he even trumps himself.