Anyway, at the beginning of the summer I focused on an image of iridescent light in my belly which symbolized rejuvenation. It sort of worked to help me dig deep and get refueled for my role of being a Mom to 4 kids, including Willie.
But now that Willie is home for 5 weeks, I had to switch to another intention, mantra, and focus: A beating heart. This image represents to me persevering every day despite hardship and suffering. It helped that my yoga studio had a powerful painting of a heart right in my view this morning. I have been pondering the idea of marching forward every day, rolling out of bed, getting Willie more food, cleaning up his room again, surviving his emotional meltdowns and assassinations, and resisting being pulled into his negativity. At first the images I saw were waves on an ocean, as they keep on coming no matter what. But waves are too magnificent, too peaceful, too relaxing. The heart is better. It is bloody, ugly really, and a miracle all at once. It doesn't have the luxury of stopping. It is the epicenter of all life. Living is hard, harder for some than others. My living includes pain. The beating heart doesn't care. It just keeps going. Marching forward through thick and thin. It doesn't even care if you feel rejuvenated, energetic, or happy.
I love Willie. I cherish him and think about him constantly. I celebrate and grieve him. I worry endlessly about him dying from a seizure. I perseverate on what will happen to him when we are gone. I advocate for him. I love him. But I also have equally negative emotions as these, which are difficult to admit. Even harder to write. So while my family all endures our 37 days with Willie at home, I will focus on that image of a beating heart. I am THE MOM and need to keep going everyday despite what I may be feeling inside. Yoga is my savior. Namaste.
