That YEARNING: Raising A Son With Special Needs

I MISS WILLIE!

I haven't written this Blog in a while or done much besides meet the basic needs of my family. That's how difficult it was to deal with Willie these past several weeks while he awaited the BIG CHANGE. Meaning Willie was moving to a new and wonderful Residential Program called Camphill Soltane. His behavior regressed so much in these last few weeks that I didn't even pick the bath and sleep battles, as I knew I would lose. I felt both lucky and blessed that Willie was able to walk out the door on that Saturday, August 30th, to get in the car to go to Soltane. (He was in fact clean, having bathed!)

Then there was the 4 hour overlap while we attended a family meeting with Willie and the other residents, ate a group lunch together, unpacked him into his own room, and met with his Residential Manager, aka Laura. The feeling in the room during the meeting was hard to describe.  Sitting with families of young adults who share the same sorrows, tribulations, and joys was a feeling you could almost tangibly hold in your hands. The smiles and knowing glances shared around that circle in the beautiful Whitsun Hall lent me strength, when I felt weak. Watching Willie sit with 4 other young adults at lunch, only 1 whom he had known before, chatting as if they had all seen each yesterday, gave me courage where I had only fear. Setting Willie up in his first private room in 5 years reminded me of sending my College Sophomore off earlier in the week.  And finally sitting in the calm, peaceful, and very beautiful Emerson House, sharing emergency seizure directions with Laura among other things, forced me to trust.  Her eyes, fairy-like and belonging to an old-soul, gave me a connection I could rely on.

And now I am back in my life without Willie.  He is doing well.  It's not perfect at all. There are plenty of wrinkles to iron out. People who need to get to know him. Strategies that need to be learned. His comfort and trust have to be earned and expereinced. So much growth ahead of him. Again I feel blessed and lucky to have found Willie a perfect home for the next 7 years.

But there there's this YEARNING.  It always comes.  It doesn't make sense as Willie was so draining to be around these past few weeks. I wouldn't want him here: there's no purpose or structure. He needs to be at Soltane to grow, learn, gain confidence, develop, become independent, and mature. Yet I yearn for him.

And every night I go in his room and close my eyes and just smell him.  It is just plain comforting. I wrap my yearning in this wonderful, musky smell and then I feel better.