It's Normal: Raising A Son With Special Needs

My two oldest boys (18 & 21) are three years apart and in some ways mirror reflections of the Developmental Tasks of young adulthood. They both have to hate me and my husband in order to become independent and truly grow up. It just stinks and hurts so bad.

But of course there is a "Willie twist" on this idea. It would just be so easy to blame Willie's nastiness on his Special Needs. I LOVE to blame most things on Willie's Special Needs. The rude comments, the negativity, and the rebellious nature are especially harrowing from a 21 year old boy-man with limited cognitive reasoning skills and a lightening quick propensity to anger. Going to sleep at night can turn into a major meltdown, is a constant stressor, and sometimes doesn't happen until he's ready. (Even if the clock says 6 AM!) I want to attribute this is all to Willie's Special Needs. This is my fallback position on the hardships of raising Willie.

But then his younger brother is in the other room displaying all the same type of behaviors. Sure, he can self-regulate better and doesn't have meltdowns. But that doesn't stop him from storming away from the dinner table when I ask too many questions. (Who knew 2 was too many?) Sure he does go to sleep at night. But that doesn't stop him from coming home at any hour he pleases and not waking me up. And I know in my heart these behaviors are normal and necessary.

So in the end I am grateful for this other son, who is so different from Willie. This boy-man who goes to college and thrives. This person who holds a steady summer job. This boy-man who has deep, meaningful relationships. All of these accomplishments are so divergent from Willie. But I see his icky behaviors at home as a necessary step in making him successful in college, work, and connections. And then I see that Willie, although not as successful at these relationships of work and love, yearns for all the same things. I know (and am relieved by this knowledge) that some of Willie's despicable behaviors are just a normal boy-man's attempt to grow up.

And for that insight I am grateful to my second son. Because it's just too easy to blame all the hardships from Willie on his Special Needs. Thank you dear son for you have lifted some of my burden unknowingly. Now hurry up and turn nice!