Vulnerable: Raising A Son With Special Needs

Sharing something this current and intimate makes me more vulnerable than I am comfortable with. But I imagine this could help other families with their struggles and that is the point of this blog.  So please read the email I sent to Willie's school today, after learning yesterday about a physical altercation between my precious Willie and another student. Thanks ahead of time for your sensitivity. I have changed the names for confidentiality.

HI Peggy,

I just wanted to give a bit of history about Willie and Jon and also about Willie himself. Charlie and I are concerned about the two of them being together now that there has been a physical incident.  We realize it is impossible to keep them apart and want to work with you all to come up with a some strategies to help Willie cope and to keep everyone safe, emotionally and physically.

First, Willie holds grudges. This is in part due to his "perseverative/anxious" thinking and in part due to his extreme sensitivity to people who are mean.  Second, Willie is afraid of mean people, even if they are not really scary.  He feels much more vulnerable than he lets on.  Jon and Willie, as I stated, have a long history of not getting along.  Willie's part in this is taking Jon too seriously and getting stuck in the negativity.  It is true Jon has teased Willie and said mean things to him in the past.  I have witnessed how Jon presses Willie's buttons on purpose.  In a cognitively intact individual, one could infiltrate these episodes and reshape their thinking.  One could try not to personalize these episodes.  But with Willie, he stews on them, has no perspective, feels hurt, is actually afraid, and gets angry.  That being said, you may already have intuited all of this.

On to some possible solutions: Willie should definitely talk about this with his Therapist.  I have copied her on this email and will contact her of the situation today.  Seeing that this situation goes way back and is deeply embedded in Willie's psychology, please tread sensitively with Willie.  He clearly cannot hurt Jon and we will speak forcefully with him about this.  However, he needs extreme care when looking for solutions.  One strategy that works with Willie is to validate his feelings that he may not either be aware of himself or at least not have vocalized.  Another tool is to get Willie to come up with solutions.  Something like: "Jon will be in your class, so what can we do to help you be tolerant of him?"  Another possible and useful statement is: "When you feel yourself scared of and/or angry towards Jon, what can you do to keep everyone safe?" Finally, Willie has responded positively to social stories about tough situations in the past. I urge you all to create one for him that reflects his complicated feelings, clearly states that physical aggression is forbidden, and provides better alternatives to coping with these negative feelings. 

I am racking my brain for other strategies, as this is definitely a pattern for Willie.  We still hear about a little girl in 3rd grade who frightened Willie.  There is a long list of others who Willie perceived to be mean and scary, some real, some imagined.  We certainly want Willie to learn to deal with people he doesn't like.  And please know, we are saddened and upset that Willie shoved Jon.  But we also want you to understand what we are up against in Willie's history.  I have taken the liberty in sharing this issue with Ava and Lily, as I am sure Willie is continually talking about Jon, as that is his pattern of perseveration  The more teamwork the better.

I appreciate your patience with my suggestions and hope you are not offended as you did not ask for my input.  My mama bear is up on two legs and cannot keep her mouth shut.  Thanks for your sensitivity to Willie in this matter.

Kim