Ambivalence: Raising A Son With Special Needs

Willie just left yet again. He was home with us for 14 out of the last 18 nights. It is a similar cycle every time we do it. The yearning for him to go. The desire to get your regular life back. The multiple burdens that are uniquely Willie, lifted.  And then he goes. The ambivalence sets in immediately.

Is he OK? How does he like his new bedroom? How hard was it to get him to take that shower? How bad was his mood when it was time to get up at 8 AM, as opposed to no schedule at all? The dread that he is coming home again for the holidays. The yearning when you watch the special needs adult working out at the Y.  The wondering if he is at his local Y doing the same? The relief that you don't need to provide those 3 gourmet and hearty meals for him every single day. You can unhide the candy jar. You can finally attend to your 13 year old's need to have more of your attention. You scour his bedroom. You get it ready for the next time. The dog is just so sad that Willie is gone. And you tell her, he will be back soon, with joy in your heart. The mixed emotions are overwhelming.

 I am left with the image of my 24 year old boy-man, becoming more and more disabled as he ages, while simultaneously becoming more and more independent. Perhaps I am full of ambivalence because that is what Willie is as well.  And as my husband says, it is much harder for him. It must be. Poor guy.