Epic Family Gatherings: Raising A Son With Special Needs

To bring Willie to Noah's Bar Mitzvah or not to bring Willie to Noah's Bar Mitzvah? That is the million dollar question! And it is a loaded one.

Three years ago, Willie came along with us to Zack, Noah's brother's,  Bar Mitzvah. This involved a wonderful opportunity for Willie to bond with his four Aunts and four Uncles as well as his fourteen first cousins. They all adore him and he they. Willie was able to be included in our luscious extended family. He supported his cousin through the celebration of his Bar Mitzvah. He ate gourmet and traditional Jewish food. He swam in the hotel pool with his cousins. Willie had the opportunity to get dressed up and attend Synagogue and then a fun Bar Mitzvah party. If you asked Willie, he would say it was a great time. If you asked Willie if he wanted to attend Noah's Bar Mitzvah, he would most definitely have said "YES!"

But we did not ask Willie. And we did not bring Willie. And here is what I didn't mention that Willie didn't get to re-experience: The awful car-ride with normal fighting siblings that sent Willie over the edge. The "Scary Main Sanctuary" at the Synagogue that Willie felt unable to remain in, probably due to his auditory sensitivity. The extended fight Willie had with that six-year old cousin, on the other side of the family. The arguing over how much food Willie could eat. The arguing again over how much food Willie could eat. The meltdown Willie had at the party because it was just too loud and too long. The family fight we all had during Willie's meltdown at the party. The tension in the hotel room at night as we all tried to settle down to sleep. And I will stop now for this is just the beginning of the negative parts of that Bar Mitzvah three years ago.

And Noah's Bar Mitzvah weekend was plain fabulous. Sure there was sibling fighting, but not nuanced with the threat of Willie having a giant meltdown.  We never saw our kids as they were enveloped in "that cousin bliss." We were able to totally be present at the Synagogue, with our nephew's Bar Mitzvah journey, and the very long but fun party. We slept soundly in the hotel room. There was little stress.

However, and I haven't asked my husband if he felt this way,  I felt like a limb was missing the whole time. I missed Willie.  Moreover, I missed him interacting with his warm and loving and very accepting extended family. I can't help but think we acted selfishly by not including Willie. He will not be in the family photos. He didn't get the opportunity to make those kind of memories.