21=Adulthood: Raising A Son With Special Needs

"What does 21 mean?"

"The number?"

"Ya, it means I'm an adult. But I want FREEDOM!"

This is part of a conversation I had with Willie today. He is 21 and is struggling with the meaning of and balance between independence and responsibility. He is grappling with typical developmental issues all young adults encounter.  However, Willie's version is characterized by his unique Special Needs.

Willie would like to be able to go where he wants when he wants. He only wants to shower when he feels like it.  Willie craves to eat what he wants and in any portion size he decides. Finally, Willie wants a Credit Card so he can buy whatever it is he wants, no limits attached. He is lacking the executive functioning skills to competently make these decisions, but that makes it even harder for him. Willie ends up feeling dissatisfied, frustrated, and confused. For the law says he is an adult. His body tells him he is an adult. But as he told me today, he feels like a child! Moreover, he informed me that I will need to always take care of him, even when I am dead. Oh, his angst!

What do you say to your 21 year old adult son with Special Needs when he so eloquently describes his dilemma?  Isn't it my responsibility to foster independence, good decision making skills, to help my Willie achieve his potential?  But sometimes, I want to wrap Willie up in my arms like the boy he sometimes is, tell him that I will do everything for him, and keep him as sheltered as he will allow. This however is not what Willie needs. Or wants! His yearning for independence is popping up everywhere. He is pushing the limits in all categories. But his maturity and level of responsibility has not caught up.

So what does 21 mean? For Willie, it means a contradiction, a struggle, a paradox. His interpretation of growing up is typical in some ways: Who Am I? What Will I become? Will I find love? What meaning will I find in my work? Am I a Child or a Grown-Up?

As for me, I will listen, support, and encourage with lots of prayers thrown in. Will Willie ever be an adult? I do not know, but sure do hope so!