Monday, February 17, 2014

21=Adulthood: Raising A Son With Special Needs


"What does 21 mean?"

"The number?"

"Ya, it means I'm an adult. But I want FREEDOM!"

This is part of a conversation I had with Willie today. He is 21 and is struggling with the meaning of and balance between independence and responsibility. He is grappling with typical developmental issues all young adults encounter.  However, Willie's version is characterized by his unique Special Needs.

Willie would like to be able to go where he wants when he wants. He only wants to shower when he feels like it.  Willie craves to eat what he wants and in any portion size he decides. Finally, Willie wants a Credit Card so he can buy whatever it is he wants, no limits attached. He is lacking the executive functioning skills to competently make these decisions, but that makes it even harder for him. Willie ends up feeling dissatisfied, frustrated, and confused. For the law says he is an adult. His body tells him he is an adult. But as he told me today, he feels like a child! Moreover, he informed me that I will need to always take care of him, even when I am dead. Oh, his angst!

What do you say to your 21 year old adult son with Special Needs when he so eloquently describes his dilemma?  Isn't it my responsibility to foster independence, good decision making skills, to help my Willie achieve his potential?  But sometimes, I want to wrap Willie up in my arms like the boy he sometimes is, tell him that I will do everything for him, and keep him as sheltered as he will allow. This however is not what Willie needs. Or wants! His yearning for independence is popping up everywhere. He is pushing the limits in all categories. But his maturity and level of responsibility has not caught up.

So what does 21 mean? For Willie, it means a contradiction, a struggle, a paradox. His interpretation of growing up is typical in some ways: Who Am I? What Will I become? Will I find love? What meaning will I find in my work? Am I a Child or a Grown-Up?

As for me, I will listen, support, and encourage with lots of prayers thrown in. Will Willie ever be an adult? I do not know, but sure do hope so!




Monday, February 3, 2014

Too many books: Raising A Son With Special Needs

Willie loves books. He always has. The feel. The smell. The look. The potential. His desire for them fueled our constant purchases.  His Brain Damage left him very able to read. Reading is one of  Willie's greatest strengths. Through reading Willie has become an expert in Animals, Cooking, Under the Sea Creatures, Mythical Monsters, Star Wars, Pokemon, Harry Potter, and Batman. As a parent of a child with some very significant deficits, I celebrated Willie's reading with "too many books."

 Some of Willie's Books

When Willie was 16, we were lucky enough to have found him a Residential School called The Camphill Special School. As this was a traumatic but life-saving transition for Willie, we packed up all his favorite things to ease the move. Blankets, pillows, clothing, toys, and many, many books. For books are Willie's security blanket. He holds them, carries them, sleeps with them, and brings them everywhere. We knew Willie's books would give him safety, comfort, and consistency as he ventured to his new school.

About 10 weeks after Willie started school, we were having our weekly talk with Willie's House Father when he dropped the phrase "too many books." By then Willie had transitioned nicely to his new school and very different living arrangements. He had been home once and seemed remarkably lighter and less sad and mad. Willie was beginning to thrive both in school and work at this very Special place.

So Robin, Willie's House Father, continued on with his description of the problem of "too many books,"along with a solution. He described Willie's insistence on carrying piles of books from place to place, his inability to keep these precious books organized,  and his very odd process of reading these books. Robin said his idea was to put all of Willie's books in a library in Robin's room, giving Willie rights to take out 6 books at a time. He hoped Willie would not only be able to keep his books less scattered but that Willie would perhaps read them in a more in-depth and sequential manner, from beginning to end, with greater concentration?

My reaction was as if I had been turned inside out. As if I was a slug and Robin's words were salt poured all over me. For 16 years, I had taken salvation in Willie's interests in books and all that this encompassed and implied. For all of Willie's limitations, I always knew Willie's books made him Special, made him interesting to others, kept him from being too disabled, made his horrific behaviors bearable, made all my work for him somehow OK. To hear Robin suggest Willie had "too many books"was unfathomable and his solution devastating.

But you see when you get to the point of needing to find your disabled son a Residential School and you win the Jackpot with discovering a Heaven on Earth, you cannot say NO. I had to give Robin's library a chance. I hated it.

And in the end, Robin's system resulted in everything he hoped it would. It was the beginning of Willie learning that less can be more. Willie started to get that he needed to keep his STUFF in order. Willie learned how to spend more time on his books.  He learned to read from beginning to end and to stick with one book longer than ever before. It was a mini-miracle. The results were essential, crept into other parts of Willie's habits, and have lasted to this day!

And I learned a comforting and invaluable lesson. Never before had any school, therapist, institution, or individual taught me anything about Willie. I was always the Willie expert armed with explaining him everywhere he went. But Robin showed me that he could teach us something about Willie and improve his life. It couldn't have come at a better time. For we had finally found a place where Willie could grow without me always interpreting, explaining, advocating, and enlightening. Five years later, this place, The Camphill Special School, has never stopped teaching me and insisting on Willie's phenomenal growth and maturity.

There is such a thing as "too many books." Thank you Robin!


Robin and Willie today




Saturday, February 1, 2014

The Hat Lady: Raising A Son With Special Needs



Writing a Blog sounds romantic and exciting as a concept. The actual act is more challenging than I imagined. Sure I have lots to say about raising Willie; but some stories feel too sad, too raw, too exposed to share. I am working on that as a blogger and will write about our most recent dilemma another time. But in the meantime, I want to share the story of The Hat Lady.

I work in our local Elementary School in the Autism Support Classroom. I have found that many Moms of Special Needs kiddos find their way into the Special Needs work world. Cathartic, giving back, sharing knowledge are some motives to name a few. But that too is for another time.

So, this knitter drops off these ten hats for our Classroom yesterday. She is known at The Hat Lady, a local legend who knits beautiful hats and donates them to the deserving. Her intention is to touch lives in the community in some small way. Upon dropping off the hats at the School Office, she explained that she met a nice Teacher at the local Coffee Shop in December.  She was so inspired by the fabulous classroom this teacher described, that she chose us as her next recipient.

This action created quite an uproar in our school community. Who was it that inspired this Hat Lady to give like this? Emails were sent asking to solve this enigma. Texts inquired who was the mystery Teacher. Why was our classroom the lucky one?

In the end, it really doesn't matter who, why, when?  The gesture made us feel special as Teachers. We happen to work in a very intense classroom with 8 rather needy, challenging, and remarkable kiddos. We dream about these students...become obsessed with them...worry and love them. We admire and appreciate the Hat Lady because she "gets it." She understands that our kids require great effort, patience, and the necessity to dig deep. The Hat Lady is telling us Thank You. She is recognizing our students and their families as deserving of a warm and colorful hat. A gift given for free. A gift honoring our community. Thank you Hat Lady.





To read more about The Hat Lady, go to:

http://www.pennlive.com/midstate/index.ssf/2013/03/camp_hill_hat_lady.html